I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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