I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
