so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Randomize
