Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
