My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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