it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
