What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
