god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
