I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
