I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
