Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
