The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
