after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
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Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
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Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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