I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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