i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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