what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
