i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
