i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
