i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
