You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
