Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
