ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
