She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
