I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
