Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
