So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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