Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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