I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
