1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
