I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
