im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
