i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize