Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize