corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
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