life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
