Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
