im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
