pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
