my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
