a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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