im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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