Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
