Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
