So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Randomize
