my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
