Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
