Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
