That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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