at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
