omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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