you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
