someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
