Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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