She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
