I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
