Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
