What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
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