I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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