Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Randomize
