guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
