I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
sarcasm needs its own font
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
