Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
